More specifically, miscommunication.
I’ve had my share of arguments in relationships. They would usually end with no resolve and both of us feeling bitter and angry. This, then, just made me feel anxious and confused about the whole relationship.
Adding this up over and over and over again and it felt like we were just constantly “working” on our relationship, but nothing was changing. We would just go in endless circles with no progress towards a happier life together. And finding ourselves in this situation for long enough would cause us to break up.
How then do you avoid these arguments? Or if the arguments arise, how do we actually come to a resolved outcome so we can grow together?
Because arguments are inevitable. How we navigate them is a choice. And that choice will make or break our relationships.Kevin Crenshaw
3 things that need to be in order for a relationship to really last:
1. It’s not an attack, it’s a cry for love.
Every time you or your partner initiates any kind of argument, or is triggered by something, or even being passive-aggressive at times; It’s NOT an attack on you.
It may seem that way in that specific moment. But if you really think about it, hurt people hurt people. Some deep need of theirs is not being met.
And that’s not to say you’re supposed to meet every need of theirs. That’s not your job either. But your job as their partner IS to give love to them, so trying to find the underlying unmet need is going to fix everything.
Do they need more attention?
Are they feeling like you don’t care because of how you’re showing up?
Do they feel unimportant?
Do they feel unappreciated?
Do they feel they can’t trust you?
Really listen, not just to what’s said, but to what they are REALLY saying. And maybe even ask! Just giving them space to voice their feelings will bring clarity to the situation.
You can phrase it by saying “hey I want to change this, and clearly, you’re upset. I hate seeing you that way… what’s really going on here?” Then SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN even if they yell. Even if they attack you. Even if they cry.
Listen. Not to solve. But listen to understand their heart.
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You’re always repeating it evolving. . When a trigger or high negative emotion comes to the surface, it’s a sign to acknowledge it so you can learn a higher perspective and evolve as you learn the lesson. Not avoiding it by stuffing our senses and time with things that cause dopamine hits. Or by feeding it and letting it control us. But that’s what the world tells you to do. . The world tells you to “just have fun” and to “forget”. The world makes it okay for you to “take the edge off”… as long as you’re not hurting anyone else but yourself we’re good. 💁🏻♂️ see how fucked up that is?! . The more we avoid. The more we suppress. The more we run, the bigger and deeper the wound becomes. . If you want to break the pattern that keeps happening, it starts by doing the work you’re avoiding. It starts by going to those places in you that you’re avoiding with courageous confrontation so you can move past it. . Most people don’t do this work cause it hurts. But from what I’ve experienced is that living a life of suppression and frustration hurts more. . If you’re ready to do the work, it’s important that you don’t do it alone. Make sure you have a community backing you and people that understand what you’re doing so thy can hold you to your truth and not let your lies or avoiding patterns get in the way again. . If you’re frustrated that the same things keeps happening in your love life… if you deep down know you’re avoiding the work, and you’ve read this far… SOMETHING in you wants more. Wants liberation. Wants love. Wants freedom. And if that’s you, i invite you to join our community for True Love Accelerator 3.0. This 3 month process is designed to help you see real results and you’ll be surrounded by a community that you can feel safe and trusting in as hey are going through the same processes as you. You’ll have the road map and the hearts backing you to break the pattens. . If you want to apply, drop some ❤️s below and I’ll reach out. We get started in 2 weeks!
2: You’re a team… Remember that.
So often we seek to protect ourself because of some past hurt in a previous relationship.
But 1: they aren’t your ex, and 2: you’re a team, so start acting like it!
Instead of you vs them, make it us vs this misunderstanding.
Seek to solve the problem TOGETHER.
A good way to phrase this in the midst of a heated conversation is to say “I know this isn’t your intention, but I’m feeling ____. What can we do about it?”
This neutralizes the feeling of being attacked, gives them clarity in how you’re feeling and what need may not be met, and it frames things to come together as a team.
Now the hard part of this might be that YOU may be the one to change…
Don’t just use this as a way for them to hope to change.
Sometimes it is them.
Sometimes it is you.
But most of the time it’s somewhere in the middle and both of you need to change how you’re showing up.
Just know that your brain has one goal… to be right.
So be willing to come at this from your heart and be willing to be wrong.
I’m not saying to always take the blame, I’m just saying to be willing to have an open mind for a different perspective.
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Use this strategy to avoid miscommunication: . I call it framing. I’ve used this many times in my life and instantly makes the other person feel valued and shifts the vibe of the conversation instantly. . Instead of “why aren’t you doing this” or “why do you always ____” effective framing can help you communicate your intentions in a pure way where you’re not attacking the other person, but inviting them to team up with you in attacking anything that is getting between you two. I mean think about it, when people say that type of crap to me, I instantly get defensive and it definitely doesn’t make me feel good. . Intention matters. And if you want to align to love, respond with framing instead of reacting in hurt. Framing goes like this: . “I know this isn’t your intention, but I’m feeling _____. What can we do about this?” When you fill in he blank, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THEM. This is not a coaching tactic to change their behavior. This is a tool for awareness and teamwork. That might mean that the way you’re feeling has to do with YOU and not the other person. It’s a possibility, so be open to that. . And as much as framing is effective, it shouldn’t be the only thing you talk about with your partner. Remember to tell them how much they mean to you on the regular. And not just in words. Show up in more ways than one for them and be intentional to fill them up. And I bet they will start to show up for you in ways you never thought possible ❤️ . . P.S. – this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you loved this and want more on how to deepen your connections around you, join me for my live event, Unlock Love! Details in bio
If you want to experience love, you’re going to have to learn how to forgive. If you want trust, you’re going to have to give it.
Forgiveness doesn’t make things right. It releases you from the bondage of seeing them in a certain way or holding them to a standard of perfectionism.
And if you find it really hard to forgive others, it’s probably because you aren’t forgiving yourself for something.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a verbal conversation. It can be internal. But you have to align with your inner truth. The closer you get to that truth, the more freedom and love you will experience daily.
Forgiveness is the highest form of caring and compassion. And requires an immense amount of courage, because your mind just wants to be right and hold onto how you make things to be.
Forgiveness let’s that go and opens up new possibilities.
Forgiveness is the gateway to new beginnings and lasting relationships. We’re all human, and when we start treating each other like we are all on the same team and we all want the same love, everyone wins.
In passionate love,
Kevin Crenshaw, AKA The Heart Guy // @kevcrenshaw
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