Misunderstanding.
More specifically, miscommunication.
I’ve had my share of arguments in relationships. They would usually end with no resolve and both of us feeling bitter and angry. This, then, just made me feel anxious and confused about the whole relationship.
Adding this up over and over and over again and it felt like we were just constantly “working” on our relationship, but nothing was changing. We would just go in endless circles with no progress towards a happier life together. And finding ourselves in this situation for long enough would cause us to break up.
How then do you avoid these arguments? Or if the arguments arise, how do we actually come to a resolved outcome so we can grow together?
Because arguments are inevitable. How we navigate them is a choice. And that choice will make or break our relationships.
Kevin Crenshaw
3 things that need to be in order for a relationship to really last:
1. It’s not an attack, it’s a cry for love.
Every time you or your partner initiates any kind of argument, or is triggered by something, or even being passive-aggressive at times; It’s NOT an attack on you.
It may seem that way in that specific moment. But if you really think about it, hurt people hurt people. Some deep need of theirs is not being met.
And that’s not to say you’re supposed to meet every need of theirs. That’s not your job either. But your job as their partner IS to give love to them, so trying to find the underlying unmet need is going to fix everything.
Do they need more attention?
Are they feeling like you don’t care because of how you’re showing up?
Do they feel unimportant?
Do they feel unappreciated?
Do they feel they can’t trust you?
Really listen, not just to what’s said, but to what they are REALLY saying. And maybe even ask! Just giving them space to voice their feelings will bring clarity to the situation.
You can phrase it by saying “hey I want to change this, and clearly, you’re upset. I hate seeing you that way… what’s really going on here?” Then SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN even if they yell. Even if they attack you. Even if they cry.
Listen. Not to solve. But listen to understand their heart.
2: You’re a team… Remember that.
So often we seek to protect ourself because of some past hurt in a previous relationship.
But 1: they aren’t your ex, and 2: you’re a team, so start acting like it!
Instead of you vs them, make it us vs this misunderstanding.
Seek to solve the problem TOGETHER.
A good way to phrase this in the midst of a heated conversation is to say “I know this isn’t your intention, but I’m feeling ____. What can we do about it?”
This neutralizes the feeling of being attacked, gives them clarity in how you’re feeling and what need may not be met, and it frames things to come together as a team.
Now the hard part of this might be that YOU may be the one to change…
Don’t just use this as a way for them to hope to change.
Sometimes it is them.
Sometimes it is you.
But most of the time it’s somewhere in the middle and both of you need to change how you’re showing up.
Just know that your brain has one goal… to be right.
So be willing to come at this from your heart and be willing to be wrong.
I’m not saying to always take the blame, I’m just saying to be willing to have an open mind for a different perspective.
3: Forgiveness.
If you want to experience love, you’re going to have to learn how to forgive. If you want trust, you’re going to have to give it.
Forgiveness doesn’t make things right. It releases you from the bondage of seeing them in a certain way or holding them to a standard of perfectionism.
And if you find it really hard to forgive others, it’s probably because you aren’t forgiving yourself for something.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a verbal conversation. It can be internal. But you have to align with your inner truth. The closer you get to that truth, the more freedom and love you will experience daily.
Forgiveness is the highest form of caring and compassion. And requires an immense amount of courage, because your mind just wants to be right and hold onto how you make things to be.
Forgiveness let’s that go and opens up new possibilities.
Forgiveness is the gateway to new beginnings and lasting relationships. We’re all human, and when we start treating each other like we are all on the same team and we all want the same love, everyone wins.
In passionate love,
Kevin Crenshaw, AKA The Heart Guy // @kevcrenshaw
Does that help you better understand more about mental illnesses? Let us know your opinion here!
Get your writing featured on Empower Mag Today!
Join the conversation on our Facebook Group: “The Empower Community”
